Losing Hold

I’m losing hold.

I’m losing hold of everything I’ve ever know.

I’m losing  hold of my life.

I’m losing hold, and frankly, I have no clue of what I should do!

This is driving me crazy! I don’t want to lose the people I love. I seem to have an incredibly hard time opening up to someone because I am always scared I will lose them. I speak from experience. Every single time I’ve opened my heart to let someone in, it has either cracked and was torn to pieces or it was ripped out when that person left. Needless to say, I have trust issues. I also find it hard to open up.

I have issues.

So far, this year has not been that bad. I mean I could be trying a little harder when it comes to school, but right now I am facing a real lack of motivation. I’ve started RCIA at my new church. I’m part of some of the top people of my class. What has been bad is losing the people I love… the couple people I became friends with in Turkey are now half a country away. My friends, from here in Texas, and I have grown apart since the end of  last year and now. All the friends I had at my old church keep messaging me and I don’t know what to do!

I really miss being close to my friends. It is like we only talk to each other now out of necessity during lunch, or maybe it is just me who sees it like this even though I don’t want to. “Remember all the times we had together? What ever happened to best friends forever?”

Do you know how awkward it is to explain to someone that you are becoming Catholic after years and years of being protestant, and don;t forget how awkward Christmas dinner will be when we cross ourselves. It goes without explanation it will be difficult facing some pretty hard- core southern baptists…

Not to mention how awkward it is crushing on a friend of yours that you have to stay professional around, and your not sure if they like you back, but you don’t say anything so your friendship will not be ruined forever. On top of all of this, people expect me to still hold myself together and make the life-changing decisions that involve college and my future. How the hell am I supposed to make these kind of decisions when everything I’ve ever known is changing?!

Part of me wants to embrace all of this change, but the other part says I should just give up. I guess that is where my lapse in motivation for school comes in.

I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO! I’m losing hold of everything I’ve ever know. I’m losing people I love. I’m losing every bit of me that I knew. The logical, spiritual part of  me says I need to turn towards God and not worry, but the irrational, overly-emotional part of me says I can handle it and I block out everyone’s attempts to help.

I miss my friends. I miss my old ones  that pretend nothing has changed, when in reality a hell of a lot has changes. I miss my new ones from Turkey because Facebook does not do “keeping in touch throughout the year” enough justice. I miss my friends at my old church. Above all, I miss knowing who I am, and knowing where I want to go with my life.

I’m losing hold of everything I’ve ever known.

“It’s beautiful when two strangers become best friends, it’s terribly depressing when two best friends become strangers.” – unknown

The story of my life…


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